Everything averages out when gravity is on my side.

I heard an expression: You are a tomorrow person. That means every time you want something new or when you have to make a change you say "tomorrow I will start" or "Monday is the best day to begin a new life change." I don't think that is an accurate description of me.

I think I lack basic will power. I know I do. I lack will power when it comes to food. Maybe I am addicted? I could control myself when I was preggers with the babes, though. 

Facts I know to be true: 

I hate to sweat.

I love to dance.

I am a terrible dancer.

If I sweat when I dance I don't care.

I love to swim. I wish I was a mermaid in the water.

My weight plateauing (the "ing" implies motion or momentum as in a state of change -- not a constant) is not an excuse anymore.  I am obsessed over my lack of progress when I have made so many great changes.

How do I change more? To say that I have to change when I am finally at the point in my life where I do love me, is hard.

FACT: I feel great before I eat. But once I do, once I make a bad choice, whatever that choice is:

1. too much salad dressing
2. croutons
3. a slice of bread
4. any CARB from grain, whatever it is ... 

I don't feel good anymore.

But I do not like falling asleep at 4pm on a Sunday because I drank a Sprite and ate some chips. I don't want my daughter to tell me about a woman, she saw one day, that was bigger than me. 

Why is she looking for that?

And since she saw someone that was bigger than me -- then my size is justifiable to her now? I am not that big. I am over 200 lbs. I said it. I am also 6 feet tall. If I was in New York I wouldn't even stick out all the much. In Montreal, adults in there 40's are super fit. Most women work out and most men are part of an adult sports league. It is just how it is done here. 

I have thighs that lack a gap between them. But I am always in the pool playing with my kids and not sitting on a chair tanning or gabbing. I shame all the other moms that way and it is AWESOME. I am present with them in the pool. Everything averages out when gravity is on my side. I don't feel defined by my size at the pool - in the pool - with my kids..

My mom was overweight my whole life. I went from embarrassment to acceptance really early on. I also promised myself that I wouldn't be fat by the time my kids were young.  Or I would at least solve the problem before they noticed. I don't want them to be teased because of me. I don't want to be the source of sadness or stress for them.

Now my son is 9 and my daughter is 7 and I still haven't managed to rid myself of the last 40 lbs. The last 40 lbs that have defined me for over 20 or maybe 30 years, The 40 that would are the difference between diabetes and no diabetes. At some point I will run out of time and it will happen,

All I can is make the right choices all day and all night. Everyday.

It is 2pm. The danger zone. I ate the salad for lunch and now I am ready for a 2nd lunch. The Starburst in the kitchen are calling me. I couldn't care less about the chocolate muffins. Thank goodness for small favors. If the lemon cake was still there - that might have been a problem. I reach or a ... yogurt. 

Okay. Well done. Now I will walk the dog for the 3rd time today because she loves it. OOH what if I walked the kids to school? I might not make it back again. But I can try.