Porn at the Pool

This week I began my work-out in my new size 16 bathing suit. After a few moments of jogging I started having issues. I side-stepped my way to the deep end so I could address my bathing suits' multiple malfunctions.

"My bathing suit is simultaneously rolling up and down." I say to my girlfriend.

She laughs, "How is that possible?"

How is that possible? It's called my belly. My suit is rolling up over my stomach until it stops at my breasts. Every jump under the water is way more fleshy than I want observed. My bottoms are rolling down from my waist, over my hips, and thankfully stop right above my cookie. I continue to jump but manage to maintain no cookie exposure. The suit looks great and feels great but it is a 2-piece nightmare. I guess these are 2-piece problems. I am a 1-piece lady overexposed in a 2-piece world. The other ladies with 2 pieces have flat bellies. That might be a crucial difference. 

"It's like a porn show under here!" I say and roll the suit down and up while simultaneously frog jumping in the water. I want to keep my heart rate up but I am preoccupied with not getting arrested for indecent exposure.  I begin the wide side to side steps and move my arms in small inner circles. I love this exercise and my new triceps are the benefit of this particular exercise. I look down and swear I am about to have a nip-slip at any moment. I move deeper and laugh at myself. Another woman turns and I see she is adjusting in the water. I think her whole left breast popped out. 

Good times! Good times!

Here is a picture a friend took of me last night at my children's swim meet. The squash is impressive but all I see are my awesome arms, thigh, and youthful neck.

Show me your fat

I never use the word FAT or SKINNY in my house. Those words are toxic. I believe that a person can be "FIT" or "working their way to becoming more FIT." I want my children to love themselves and their bodies. I want them to approach food in the right way -- as fuel to energize their bodies to get done what they want to. Food is not a reward. Not every meal has to be their favorite or an event. Food should taste good and be good for you. 

My son and daughter are watching me work-out daily. Our summer special "4-5pm" swim used to be me playing with the two of them in the pool - barreling my son as he spins in my arms lengthwise or chasing after them and calling them packages from foreign lands (usually Paris and New York.) Which is great exercise but it is clearly not enough. I would tone in the summer but now I am shrinking -- almost like a slowly deflating balloon from the top down. My arms are more muscular. There is more muscle under my lovely softness. The laps are a game-changer.  The laps come first, at least 4 days a week. They take 40-50 minutes to complete. 

At first I wrote Unfortunetely. Then I erased that. It is not unfortunate that it takes that long. It just does. I accept that about myself. I am only competing against myself.

After the laps are done I play with them even though I am zonked. I love to carry them in the pool (combined weight of them is is 150 lbs) and I pretend that I don't have a bad back.  Which I don't in the pool!)

They have both expressed their displeasure with me not giving them every moment of me that they want. That too is part of the process for all of us. Taking time for me has become essential to me and them. They will learn that a person has to love themselves so that can love others.  A person has to take the time to exercise so they can feel good the rest of the day.

The other day my daughter asks me, "Where are you fat? Where is your fat?" I took a breath and walked her into my bedroom. 

"Why do you want to know?" I ask. I want to see what she is going to say.  

"Because I want to understand" she says. I walk across the room and close my bedroom door.

"I saw a mommy at the pool that is bigger than you" she says.

"How did that make you feel?" I ask. Deadpan.

"Happy. I don't want you to die of being fat" she says.

Like a knife through the heart. I am really proud of her honesty and trust in me. 

"I won't let that happen" I say and give her a big hug.

She jumps on the bed and sits down.  

"Show me your fat" she says to me. Her little girl voice is filled with questions and openness. She is a little girl. Mine. 

"Ok" I say and take off all my clothes. 

I stand in-front of her and say, "if I can pinch the flesh than that is fat. Unless it is loose skin because there was fat there and now there isn't anymore." 

Warning: GRAPHIC content

I start at my feet and move quickly up my thighs. For the first time in a LONG TIME I can't pinch any significant fat or skin on my outer thighs.  The saddle-bags are gone and they took all the extra flesh with them. Almost miraculously. Even my inner thighs are in much better shape. But I found some fat and showed her.

I then happened upon my ass.

As a white girl with a FLAT white girl butt there has never been anything exciting about my "junk in the trunk." An ass-man would never look my way. Now a breast-man ... well that is an entirely different story. When I gain weight I get a second ass.  And not in a cute way. My second ass sits on top of first my ass. It starts about halfway up my first ass and acts like a fat shelf for my first ass. I went to pinch the second ass and to my surprise the SECOND ASS WASN'T THERE. 

I asked my daughter, "Can you pinch fat on my bum-bum for me?" 

"Nope Mama. Your bum-bum is FIT!" She says and she is totally engaged. She then lightly spanks my bum and giggles. I turn around to look at my ass and she squeals as I go in circles making everything silly.

"I love when we talk like this" she says. There it is. I WIN! This is why I do this. FOR her. I want her to never stop talking to me about what is important to her. She is tragically forgetful and disorganized. She is wickedly tall and this bothers her sometimes. She wants to be cute. She is 7. She is cute. But she doesn't believe it. By putting myself out there I hope to gain her openness and future trust.

Back to pinching FAT ... I ended my journey at my stomach and started pinching left, right, and center. 

"I see the fat on your stomach Mama. I understand now" she says.

I wait ... silently .. to see what she will say next. And here it comes

"It's a like a belt only in the front" she says. I wasn't expecting that.  She gets up and hugs me. She kisses my belly and says, "I love the Mama love."

"I love you" I say. 

"Will I get fat?" she asks in fear.

"Not if you eat smart and exercise" I say.

"If I eat and never exercise then I will get fat?" she asks.

"Yes." I answer quickly. I want to impose the idea that she has exercise her whole life.  People with ADHD have a proclivity to be over weight as adults with weaker endurance levels. If I teach her now the importance of exercise and why it makes you feel better inside she will continue this great habit her whole life. She will never struggle like I do now. My struggle is weight-loss, stress, and their ADHD.  When ADHD entered my home, I happened upon a change in me that will save my life. I can only parent through example. If I am not moving as well and showing them that it does make me feel better they won't believe it. They are contrary-by-nature.  My daughter and son will think differently about being fit and understand why it is important to have this balance. A balance I never had as a child.

Eventually she will see how she can manage her stress and anxiety with exercise.

"Thank you for not lying to me" she says.

"I will never lie to you. You can always believe me and come to me with every question that you can imagine" I say.

Here she is achieving and believing in herself and her abilities. 

ADHD is everyday

I went to the pool twice today in-between thunder claps for Aqua-Fit and laps. I needed to work-out and I couldn't. The work-out releases my stress. I used to use food. Bags of chips, cream cheese bagels, french fries, etc. Now I don't. Now I work out. I had a little hissy fit when I couldn't get in the pool. My son suggested that I work out on land. I can't yet. I need to weigh less to protect my knees. I recovered from this manageable tragedy on my return to pool when I knocked out 10 laps.

I do this because it makes me feel better. It manages my stress. I have stress. I am a New York Jew. Stress is my Oxygen. We all have stress. But stress will kill me if I don't get it in control. I do this for me. I do this to lose weight. I have 40 pounds to go and I will sit comfortably at 185 pounds. There I said it. I own it. Do the math if you need to.

The work-out also helps me to work out my mental stress. I am running my life to raise a self-aware and strong son and confident and independent daughter and nurture a marriage to a man I love.

My story is my own. It is:

1. Enhanced
2. Riddled
3. Defined
4. Shaped

by ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Not my own but my children's. 

I have come to learn that having one child with ADHD is EASY to manage. It wasn't at first. It also isn't "always" easy but there is a certain balance that can be achieved when only one child thinks as fast as those with ADHD do. Or feels as passionately about something that has to happen RIGHT now or they may forget. 

The PANIC in their forgetfulness is real. 

I have heard the pleas.  I didn't get it because I don't have ADHD. But my children do. When only one child is persistently argumentative .. or consistently contrary ... that can be managed because the other sibling ISN'T. 

The cage-match in my head is constant.

I balance egos and emotional-wellness the way OTHER people blink. I do it all the time. I have to lift one up while making sure that the other one isn't pushed down. I can't be sarcastic. Have you any idea how hard it is to tell a New York Jew that she cannot be sarcastic? Sarcasm is in my BONE MARROW. But it is not healthy to speak in a way that doesn't demonstrate the proper social queues to children who don't necessarily have the ability to access those inherent queues.  Because they are NOT intrinsic to an ADHD mind. Let me tell you, I am not a patient person. I have learned how to grow patience like tentacles that I wrap my family in because that is MY JOB. I protect them. I make mistakes daily but most of my mistakes are new ones not old ones.

Swimming laps helps my mental cage-match.

ADHD is everyday.

My son was diagnosed about 2 years ago. We paraded him to the best Specialists in Montreal and took advantage of every program that was offered. Two years later and we are in a very different place. He has achieved and matured. He is more self aware than most grown men. But it never goes away, it can be managed, but not always successfully and never without substantial effort on his part.

My ordinary world (yes, Duran Duran is playing in the background) doesn't just have one child with ADHD. It has two. We are all working our way towards a diagnosis for my delicious little daughter. Her struggle is different than my sons. It is quieter and filled with a different kind of daily frustration.

Asking an ADHD mind to behave, think, and conform to non-ADHD standards is like asking my to fly. It's not happening.

I take this stress that lives inside me and work-out. I swim and silence myself and my mind. I breathe in and push my arms out in front of me. I breath out through my nose and see the bubbles under the water. I look at my fingernails (which I paint in bright pink or red) and push my arms back to my sides. I take another breath. I do this till I am exhausted. It happens around 24-26 laps. I am then relaxed.

The cage-match in my head is silent now. I hug my beautiful babies as they battle to be heard. They can have the Oxygen. I don't need it. I smile because I am too tired to be stressed.  I let their boisterous and passionate love roll all over me. I feel full and content. I see another mother and her two silent children sitting next to her quietly playing. For a moment I think that must be nice. Then I look at my children. My daughter is singing me a new song she made up and my son is hugging me. They love me and I cherish them. I can't imagine them being any other way.

Aqua-Fit Instructor

My lifeguard who leads Aqua-Fit wasn't there today. A male lifeguard subbed in. I wasn't feeling the kind of burn that I wanted to feel from his instruction. He was trying hard but I wanted to make sure those 30 minutes counted. Take a moment ... play that back. I wanted to feel the burn so I knew I was getting the right kind of exercise done. I spoke up in my regular Candace-like fashion and suggested moves that we have all done before. I essentially took over the class and this other lady added some great killer moves to the routine. 


I had this total out-body-experience where I saw myself leading the class. I saw myself excelling at something physically-related. I could tell everyone what to do. I am excellent at that. I can keep up in the water. 

I can totally keep up with everyone now.

I rode that high home and ate an awesome salad. I drank 2 glasses of water. I drank a cup of tea. I feel motivated. I know I will crank out another 5 hours of work and end the day swimming some laps. I will then be too tired to be stressed. I won't over-eat at night because I will be too tired to do so. I will fall asleep by 10:30pm easily and again be too tired to have my mind race. 

I will eat a yellow tomato from my garden with my dinner tonight. Nope. I just ate it. It was Amazing! The yellow tomatoes are sweeter than the red.  Just eating one makes me feel better. Smarter for making a better choice. My son chose that plant for our garden for me this summer. He knows I like tomatoes and the yellow color makes us all think of my mother. She loves the color yellow.
It was a great day. The small things made all the difference.

3 Things I have learned in 30 days

1. If I do not swim laps or do Aqua-fit everyday I am stressed-out. 

2. I must work-out especially when I am sore. Within 10 minutes of starting the work-out the soreness goes away and I feel even better.

3. People concentrate when they work-out. I have seen this happen and have never experienced the need to do this. See my previous post about this called "Zumba Legs." While exercising, which I do like 2x a year, I like to look at others and smile, make a joke, or pant in mutual effort, but never have I ever wanted to be SILENT and FOCUSED.

What has changed? ME.
I have spent the last month working-out almost everyday save 2 or 3. I have lost 9.5 pounds and have gone from a size 18 to 16. The previous 15 pounds I lost are just the same I gain and lose every year. Thanks to Facebook I figured that out. The summer 9 pounds that I have lost since June 14th are ALL NEW AND MINE.

What am I doing?
Aqua-fit and laps.
Aqua-Fit 3-4x a week for 30 minutes and I swim 24 laps every day. It takes about 30 minutes to finish the laps. The first 10 suck, the second 10 feel smooth, and the last 4 I earn.

One day I did 30 laps. I have yet to get back to that. Someone else at the pool did 30. I was inspired and then felt internally challenged. 

One day last week I didn't work-out and I felt edgy. Or as my cousin Raquel observed, "You're f#ckin insane stressed."

I was stressed. I thought I hid it well. Clearly I didn't.  We walked for an hour and a half that night. I felt great afterward and couldn't really walk the next day. But I still Aqua-fitted and did 24 laps. I am stronger. I am not tired anymore at 3-4pm. I am playing with my kids in the pool now everyday. 

These new feelings and experiences are refreshing for 41 years old. I have spent 40 YEARS not working out. I told my lifeguard at the pool about the stress build-up. The another lifeguard replied "that's what athletes feel like. We need to work out and then we feel good."

"OMYG-D, I am starting to feel like an athlete?!!?" 

Back to SILENT and FOCUSED:
I appear to do neither well. Especially the silent part. Yesterday I worked-out hard. That statement in my mouth sounds funny. Not authentic. But it was true. I jumped higher than I ever have before. I pushed my arms in the water and made waves till I felt the burn. I took those 30 minutes and said:

THESE BELONG TO ME. 

These 30 minutes are when I focus on being healthy and moving to live. These 30 minutes are the minutes that I take to make myself strong and make myself healthy.  

During the work-out I went silent and counted. I breathed and focused on not holding my breath. I stood straight and sucked in my stomach. I learned to hold in my gut, breathe, and count concurrently. I focused on me. 

I finally understood what I saw in other people's eyes when they worked-out.  I became silent. Mindful. 

Kissing my Frenchiest French Friend changed my Karma

I posted a meme of a lazy Polar Bear on FB. My friend, who I call my Frenchiest French Friend (which I say with ALL DUE respect) responded and sent me a small video of a Grizzly Bear climbing a ladder and jumping into the pool. 

Small digression: My Frenchiest French Friend has a luscious French accent when she speaks English. She speaks beautiful English. I have known her for over 3 years and I still do not pronounce her name correctly. I miss about 5-10% of what she says, not because of her accent, (which btw I am totally unable to decipher accents) but because I am fairly convinced that I am almost completely deaf in my left ear at this point. So basically I am screwing myself daily by living in Quebec where everyone speaks French. My Father always said to challenge myself daily with what is hardest for me. Living in Montreal, Quebec with all the French and all the accents leaves me flummoxed daily and fulfills this challenge. 

So where was I?  The Grizzly Bear.

I jokingly responded that she was comparing my grace and style with a Grisly Bear. It certainly wasn't a body hair kinda issue. Which I want to say that she NEVER WAS. I was using my awesome self-deprecating humor to keep the joke going. She said it was for the kids to enjoy.

The next day we are talking and I totally misheard something she was trying to say ... and I might have made fun of her ... who knows ... we all make fun of each other ....

Then ...

Last night during CANADA DAY we sat in the rain and 65F degrees at the pool to root and cheer for the kids at their first swim meet. A huge amount of water falls on me and I am soaked. She remained completely dry in the same front row. She laughs at me and said, "Karma!"

I walk over to her and say, "Do you know what Karma sounds like?"

She says no.

"Ha Ha Ha!" I say, "I better change my Karma" so I lean down and give her a kiss on the lips. 

"I am sure now you did the trick" she says. 

Note: She won the raffle last night after buying $10 worth of tickets that was the length of my arm. I am telling you ALL OUT THERE ... find a lovely french-friend and give her a kiss!

I awoke this morning to having lost 6 pounds in 2.5 weeks while working my A-S-S off for it. I think that kiss helped my fat realize how hard I have been working!

... or it was the Karma ...