Every meal doesn't have to be a treat

The phone rings and it is my mother.

"Candi, my medication bills have hit over $500 this month" says my mom in desperation.

And we have the same conversation that we have had for years. The food choices that she makes are killing her slowly. She is Diabetic, over-weight, and has wicked-bad Arthritis. Despite being a Diabetic for 30 years her "insides" have really maintained themselves. 

This is a perfect time to mention that my Grandmother is at least 95 years old, lives in her own home, and still has the figure of a 16 year old dancer.

"You have to eat to feel good. You can't LOVE to eat anymore!" I say.

"I don't know how. I haven't figured it out. After all this time, I feel like I am not wealthy enough to be over-weight. I cannot afford the Insulin" says my mother.

And there is it. She cannot afford her medication. But if she controlled the food going in, as much as she worries about me and my brother (we're in our 40's), she could be FREE of all this stress and financial-obligation. She could just be healthy. 

"There is no magic pill" I say to her and more to myself. I say it a lot. It is all about choices. New choices ... grilled eggplant on the BBQ ... Bad choices ... cheese popcorn! It always come back to the Cheese Popcorn with me?!!?

Choosing to recover and try again .. every single day .. for every meal.

For at least two decades, I would eat lunch and plan for dinner. I am not proud to admit that. 

I can CHOOSE to no longer be ashamed. I choose to set myself FREE!

"Every meal doesn't have to be a treat" I say to my mother.

"I feel like the universe is telling me something, Candi. Daddy didn't live long enough to know what this all feels like. He chose to eat himself to death at 59 because he couldn't see living any other way" she says.

"He missed out on the grand-kids. He missed out on a lot, Mama. Considering the genes you have, you can choose to not miss out on anything" I say.

I don't want to miss a moment.  Tonight I am making grilled baby Bok Choy. 

Living the dream every day.

How 2 chocolate cookies took me down

I walked past the chocolate cookies a million times. Cookies are not my thing. Cakes aren't either. I make brownies at least every other week and never touch them. Sweets don't really get me going. Now Cheese Popcorn is an entirely separate beast. I like it salty! When I can finally give up all the salty treats ... I will finally be thin. One day it will mean enough. (WOW! Pulling no punches here, I do claim to be the Honest Wife.)

I ate correctly all day. I started the day with my lemon water. Half and hour later, I ate Greek yogurt and a cup of tea. I went back to work and walked the dog an hour later. I  drank another cup of tea and made an oatmeal.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This is how it goes lately but it is working. I have energy and I am not tired from 3-5pm. I am also a tad hungry at all times and moderately full from time to time. I also have no stomach aches now. 

If you have known me for 5 minutes or forever you will know that I always have stomach aches. I remain looking well-nourished despite the fact that I really do not eat that much anymore. Sins of the past ... it takes 5 minutes to gain wait and 5 months to take it back off ...

Back to my day. Around 11:30am I had an apple. I followed that up with a lunch of Tuna salad with avocado and lettuce.

Then there was the crackers - Saltines. AWESOME with tuna. I didn't have mayo and I used avocado as my fat. I gave myself 4 crackers and I ate 4 more. My protein to carbs-from-grain ratio was so high I felt in the clear. The day went on and then it was 2 o'clock. I was full energy but I was hungry.

I walked into the kitchen to make more tea. I had walked the dog three times today so I decided 1 cookie was fine. It was amazing. I ate it slowly and savored each bite. I prefer the non-chocolate dough parts. They are chewy and sweet. I nurtured that cookie. 

Is this what thin people feel when they eat 1 cookie? Is this what discipline feels like? 

I then went back to work. After 10 minutes I desperately wanted a second cookie. I didn't even consider having some yogurt or a fruit. The grapes in the fridge were way too tart and they made me sad since they were HUGE and I expected them to be sweeter. They felt like a purchase-FAIL. I also had Strawberries in the fridge but I was saving those for the kids.

I drank more water and more tea. Fast forward another hour and I was exhausted. My head was cloudy and I couldn't look at my computer screen for another moment. I saw the crumbs next to my tea. I don't even remember eating the 2nd cookie.

The truth was before me. 2 Chocolate cookies had taken me down.

It all started with a duck

I moved to Montreal and the different kinds of food in the grocery store were simultaneously amazing and terrifying. After my eyes would scan past the pork (no pork eaten here) they would land on the chicken, beef, and fish. I would try to glaze-over the packages of brains, livers, and hearts. I wanted to cook new things. I wanted to expand my go-to dishes for dinner. My old time favorite go-to is Turkey. Nothing better. In Canada, Turkey is priced at a premium.  Clicking my heels three times I remembered that I was no longer in the land of milk and honey where everyone ate Turkey called America. I was in Canada. Here they love pork and fish and they hate turkey. I am joking as I say this. Not really, but maybe a little.

I learned the hard way. I used to eat ground turkey all the time and now the cost was prohibitive. My leaner lifestyle was at stake and now I went back to steak (couldn't resist!)

Every time I went to the store, the new proteins before me mocked me. There were new things to try and I was being a wussy American. 

One day I bought a duck. I said I can cook this canard. It sat in my fridge for 1 day. I then put it in the freezer because I was intimidated. It sat in the freezer as I cooked many roast beefs, chickens, and hamburgers. Then I saw a leg of lamb. I love lamb. I bought it and said I will ask one of my Greek friends what to do.  How best can I cook this? I bought a new giant pan. For days I compared recipes and techniques. 

Many said to cook the lamb "slow and low".

Others proselytized "shallots, red wine, and mint sauce on the side".

I also consulted my Moroccan SIL and she set me straight. She is a killer awesome cook. I went for it. I was cooking something new and exciting and major. The prep was awesome, the aroma from the oven all day (I went with slow and low) was sumptuous. The lamb was awesome. I proved to myself that I could do it. I could do anything. I just had to believe that I could.

I had come a long way from cooking chicken in soy sauce and onions circa 1996.

Empowered! I opened the freezer and my eyes landed on the sad canard. I called Miami-made and asked how she cooked her duck. She loves duck. She orders it whenever she can. She is my duck expert. I listened and even watched a few videos. I ghost of Julia Child mocked me. 

Cooking the duck was a lot for work, and a VERY greasy clean. It was delicious. I have not done it again. Only because the work to clean-up-ratio for that little meat and no leftovers = not worth it again.

I want to try and cook new things and see what works. Today I put on a pair of shorts that fit me 4 years ago when I was about another 15 pounds lighter. Which means the new eating lifestyle is working. I am getting stronger and leaner and smarter. 

I bought some dill, parsley, garlic, and shallots yesterday. I am playing around with some new sauces. All these fresh herbs are so good for my nutrition and well being, 

Think differently.

Try new things.

13 weeks in, 2 sizes down, and 15.5 lbs lost and the spring has just started.

You can eat yourself into any weight

My friend, Miami-made, has all these fantastically amazing friends that she talks about. Today she shared a story about her friend that just opened another restaurant.

The Restaurateur said to Miami-made, "You can eat yourself into any weight on any diet" and that stuck.  Stuck with her and with me. I doubt I would get super fat on a vegan diet and overload on Hummus and Guacamole. But then again, I am compulsive so who knows?

Each of my family members has their own dietary concerns. I am the only one who is ACTIVELY trying to lose weight. My children and husband have no need to lose weight. My children do not eat enough vegetables. I am trying to meld the two - everyone eating healthier and me eating less and moving more. 

The past couple of months have been more trying on them than usual. In the past I would cater to their needs and hide the vegetables. I made wicked pasta sauces with beets, sweet potatoes, and broccoli. Now I make broccoli bites and roasted broccoli and broccoli melts. They are seeing what they are eating and they have to overcome what it looks like and see if they like the taste. 

The kids come to the dinner table wondering each night what vegetable goodie I have worked up for them. I try really hard. WAY harder than my mom ever did. She used to made mashed potatoes from a can of flakes. So this week has been a lesson in eggplant and now we are moving onto sugar snap peas.

"What did you get at the store, mom?" says the son.

"Some beautiful purple eggplant, some amazing bright sugar snap peas and some exciting shiitake mushrooms" I reply.

"Why are the mushrooms exciting, Mama?" asks the daughter.

"Because that is how the chefs talk on her shows and she thinks the ingredients are beautiful, amazing, and exciting," says the son.

This week we featured: baba ganoush, eggplant chips. eggplant cubes, and a stir fry. The baba ganoush worked and I roasted the eggplants wonderfully, skin-up. The kids weren't fans but they tried something new. They liked the eggplant in the chicken stir-fry but that wasn't super exciting.

Now we are onto sugar snap peas and I made a killer spicy side dish. Once I buy some black sesame seeds and roast them I can take a picture.

Eating the vegetables will make everyone healthier. 

So how do I lose weight at the same time?

Not eat past 8pm is good start.

Drink more water.

Move more.

Skip the carbs from grains every chance I get.

When I serve the chicken and rice. Skip the rice. Or make the portion the size of your fist. If I serve Naan and the children have 2 pieces, then I eat 1/2 piece. 

It is the carbs from grains that kill me. If I avoid those I lose weight. The husband and the children do not have to suffer as well. Unless they are my taste-testers, and then everyone suffers (MUAH!!)

Keep chasing that healthy lifestyle. I'm 41, my Grandma is 96, so I figure I get to make it until at least 101. That's 60 more years to go! Here are some of my inspirations: Grandma Barbara, son and daughter.

My Wedding Day - My heaviest

When I got married in 1997 I weighed a lot. Over a quarter ton! 23 and morbidly obese.

There are many reasons and bags of chips, sour cream, soda, scallion cream cheese, and fries to blame for this. I lacked all control and was spiraling downward into a depression that was bigger than me.

On my Graduation Day in May 1996 my father told me he was dying.

The truth is my father has been dying since the day he was born. He was obsessed with good and bad health and didn't treat his body in the right way. My father was 6'7 and weighted almost 400 lbs. He was a mountain of a man and his personality matched his physical stature. He ate what he wanted and his only restriction was keeping Kosher.

When he told me he was dying it was different this time. His eyes were glassy and his face flushed. He had high blood pressure, Diabetes, and high Cholesterol.

But I was 23, and at 23, your dad who is 58 is invisible. Your 6'7 father is larger than life itself.

But he wasn't and he had a massive stroke 6 months after I graduated college.

I was already engaged to my now husband of 17 years and my father was permanently disabled by the massive stroke that left him practically speechless and immobile on the left side.

I buried myself in food. I loved my fiancee but I had no love for myself.

The UGLIEST truth
It was a Monday and I was working at Penguin Putnam in the village. For lunch I took myself to MacDonalds and ordered 2 Big-Mac Super sized meals. I sat down and started to eat. A co-worker runs in (to this day I still do not know how Catherine O'Shea found me) and told me that I had to go to Scarsdale immediately. My mother had called and the time had come. Dad was dying.

What changed within myself?
I buried my father in 1998 and I was a newlywed. I was surrounded by the love of a man who didn't care that I was HUGE. We moved to a 4-story walk-up in Park Slope, Brooklyn so I would have to walk myself to health.

If you stop at the top of each of the stairs, who cares? If you have to stop in the middle of the stairs, it doesn't matter. He stood by me and let me find myself again slowly.

Since that day in 1997 I have never eaten MacDonalds, Burger King, or any other depressing fast-food again. I reclaimed myself.

One day at a time.
One pound at a time.
One inch at a time.

I am now standing as a SUPERHERO does. That was hard to tell, hard to face, but important for understanding my journey to better health.

This is Sean and I on our wedding day - 1997 - My personal heaviest. 23 years old.

Seven years later ... 30 years old.

Eleven years after marriage, and pregnant with my daughter. 33 years old. 100 pounds lighter ...

 It is a JOURNEY. I will be on it for the rest of my life.

What about Cheese Popcorn?

What about my French bread? Pita bread? I have already given up bagels. Now Naan? I love Naan with my Tandori chicken: is that off limits now? The Naan I mean, not the chicken, I can eat that Naan with Tzatziki sauce and grilled chicken all summer long. Wait, is there Gluten in the Tandori sauce? What about Butter chicken?

I started Shrewdsnackers.ca because I saw a friend who had just been diagnosed with Celiac disease, along with her son, and she was desperate and stressed to find snacks for her son that made him not fight the new medical diagnosis. I sympathized with her plight and silently breathed a deep sigh of relief. This wasn't my problem or something that I had to contend with my children either. But I did sympathize with the stress because stressing about your children's well being is the absolute torture.

Two months ago I noticed how tired I became 4pm. I could literally fall asleep standing up. I saw this happen to my mom at 37 and that is when she became a Type 2 Diabetic. Now at 41, I still need to lose another 40 lbs. that I have been trying to lose for at least 20 years. I knew then that I had to change my way of eating or I would become a diabetic. Then I feared that it all the years of bad eating truly out weighted (no pun intended) all the years of better eating and exercise. But I made a change and it was immediate. No Carbs from grains (excerpt rice and oatmeal) before dinner.

The change was instant. My energy shot up and I lost 15 lbs in those 8 weeks. I also lost all bloating around my ankles. 8 of those pounds came from just increasing my water intake, tea consumption, and drinking hot lemon water every morning before anything else. I eat smaller meals and more often. I am definitely hungrier. I still have to figure out the best way to manage that. I don't like thinking about food all the time. That didn't work very well for me for the first 30 years. It's a marathon and not a sprint to good persistent health.

Carbs from grains aren't my friend. I could actually be Gluten-sensitive. I will continue eating this way to get healthier.  

Here is another picture. Not missing a moment.

Where are the pictures of you Mommy?

I take videos and pictures of my kids so we can all remember what they looked like when they were younger. But there are not many pictures of me between my son's birth in 2005 and my daughters in 2007. And there are even fewer pictures of me from 2008-2014.

Why? Because I looked fat or there were too many chins in a picture, or the bags under my eyes were too dark, or my arms were flabby. Why would I want digital proof of the chins, the arms, the bags?

When I turned 40 last year I decided to have a good talk with myself and make myself stop this destructive behavior. I put myself back in the pictures. I tried not to care about additional chins, bags, or soft stomach.

Where had the handful of years gone? How was I to explain to my 7 year-old daughter that Mama doesn't like what her stomach looks like in pictures? How do I help her create the most positive self-image of herself to carry her through the torturous years of puberty when her Mama was still traumatized by bullying in 7th grade?

I said, "stop sucking in your stomach."
I said, "don't worry at what angle the selfie is taken with you and the kid"

I read an article that said little girls do not love their bodies unless their Mamas love their own bodies as well.

What?!!? OMIG-D now I have to LOVE MY BODY so she will love hers?? And that is when it hit me. I have to love me so she will love herself.

That night she walked into bathroom while I was taking a shower. (Because G-d forbid a parent ever gets to take a shower in privacy.) She sits on the toilet and starts tell me about her day. As I listen in the shower she says,

"You are the most beautiful person in the world to me." 

I stood behind the curtain and started to weep. If this is how she sees me then why don't I see myself that way? Well now I do and here we are capturing the memories together.

Why Shrewdsnackers and why now

We all have had people come into and out of our lives and leave their mark on us. One such friend is, Miami-made. She has been a staple in my life since Barnard College circa 1992. She loves me and can be surgically critical of me, my lifestyle, choices, etc. She is critical in a way that pushes me forward to be a better me. Someone who cannot be bothered to chit-chat about bullshit. Someone who has my back but also will not accept any nonsense.

We talk about Shrewdsnackers.ca and what I want to get out of it. I see for myself a better health, longer life, a business idea for my family to live on. Miami-made probes me to answer things that I have not yet figured out. She propels me to see the biggest picture. 

She says "talk about your struggle. How you have been fat and thin everything in between."

She says, "blog about how you lost 60 lbs at fat-camp and I didn't notice because I never saw you as fat."

She says,"if we could just go back to the weight we used to be when we thought we were fat, then we would be happy." 

Only a woman who has struggled with her weight understands that feeling. 

I am an Ex-Pat here in Montreal. As a New Yorker, I am used to access. I enjoy seeing 20 different brands of shampoo offered in the grocery store. I want the ability to access whatever I need to make my life better. Moving to Montreal, has been an adjustment in that area. Getting used to not accessing what I want easily has been torture. 

I took this sense of loss and went one set further. I said that if a parent is trying to access snacks for their kids that are needed due to allergies then there should not be any barrier to entry.

I would create a snack box service where parents could buy snacks for their kids and have them delivered monthly. I would use my marketing skills to create my own niche and I would help parents eliminate unneeded stress.

So why now?

As a permanent resident here in Montreal, Quebec, I consider living here a gift and a luxury. This country, Canada, and province, Quebec, are beautiful. My children attend a fantastic public school where they are becoming bilingual in a French. In the official two years that I have been here I have met many entrepreneurs. In Canada, the government, creates a medical safety net for its citizens. This enables the citizens to reach for their own dreams and actively participate in their Canadian destines.

In the dawn of 2015, I decided to stop waiting and stake my claim. 

I want to live a long, healthy, and stress free life. I want to teach my kids how to approach food in the right way and make great nutritious decisions for themselves. 

We are all in this together. Here is a picture of me with my kids this summer. Chasing great health together.